Alea iacta est

My Google results: "Alea iacta est" is a famous Latin phrase that translates to "The die is cast."

The Origin: Attributed to Julius Caesar in 49 BC right before crossing the Rubicon river to start a civil war. It signifies that a monumental, irreversible decision has been made.

I don't know when Sam got this tattoo but I think this was a message to the rest of us. His plan was already firmly in place. His die was cast. On the last day of his life, he changed his profile photo on WhatsApp to "I'm not ignoring you. I'm just not available anymore." His very last message to us. And then he was gone.

I lie awake at night wondering if I could have somehow changed my boy's fate. I wonder if I'd found out sooner where he was living, instead of after he was already gone... If I'd flown to Thailand, and grabbed him before he jumped, would he still be with us? But for how long? And what if he'd jumped after I'd flown home? I would have held myself responsible for forcing him into it.

My beautiful boy was determined to leave. And when Sam was determined about something, he was impossible to sway.

The other day, Sam's best friend, Matt, expressed admiration about how much work it took for Sam to sculpt his body into a work of art, day after day in the gym. I'm trying to look at the recent photos of my son in a different light – the tattoos, the steroid-enhanced muscles, the resolute look on his face – to see the self-discipline, the commitment, the determination and resilience, the strength and beauty, the pride, not just the pain.

My boy was tough and sensitive, full of angst and full of life, brilliant and self-doubting, funny and serious, he needed to be loved and ran from love, loved us and needed space from us. He told me the only thing keeping him from leaving this world was what it would do to me, and I cling to that memory as proof that he knew on a very deep level, on every level, with every cell in his body, that his mother loved him.

A few years ago, Sam got a heart tattooed on his chest with "Mom" written inside it. By the looks of the photos, I'm pretty sure he tattooed over it, but I'm going to cling to the fact that it was always there, buried under the darker tattoos. And I'm going to cling to the initial expression in that gesture.

Love.